Finding Hope Amidst Heartbreak Through the Holy Spirit
Welcome to the Holy Spirit Untethered. My name is Amber Beals, and it is my job and my mission to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through me, to help demystify who He is, what his role is, and to deeply encourage you to seek a relationship
Amber:with him. Alright. Let's get started.
Amber:Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Holy Spirit Untethered podcast. My name is Amber Beals, and I'm your host. And I wanted to start this episode by saying that this episode will be a little heavier than some of my previous episodes. I also wanna put a trigger warning on this episode in that I'm gonna be talking about miscarriage in this episode.
Amber:So if you've experienced that or are recovering from that, or if that triggers you, you may want to not listen to this episode. Though, I wanna encourage you that though it may be a heavier of an episode, I am going to try my best to end it with encouragement and hope. So if you are going through it or have gone through something like that, I wanna encourage you to listen. But I also just wanna give you a forewarning that I'm gonna be talking about that. So, alright.
Amber:So before we get into that topic and dive a little deeper, I do want to go ahead and pray over this episode. So if you can and are able and it's safe to do so, go ahead and, close your eyes, and we're gonna go ahead and pray. Dear heavenly father, I just I thank you for this opportunity again to come on this podcast and share more about your spirit. I thank you, Lord, for just your message and your word. I thank you for your faithfulness and your goodness and that you never change.
Amber:I thank you for that. And I just pray right now that you would speak through me, Holy Spirit, that I would be able to deliver this message that glorifies you, that puts you in the place that you deserve to be put. And I also pray for the people that are gonna be listening to this message. I just pray that it encourages people and that it plants a seed for your goodness and your word to grow. And we thank you for that in Jesus' name.
Amber:Amen. Okay. So I'm just going to share a little bit about my experience, my recent experience, and then I'm gonna dive into scripture because today's topic is really about the Holy Spirit and how he is our comforter, and how he is there for you when you are in a tough place, when you are going through the storm, how he is the one that is in the storm with you and comforts you no matter what the circumstances, he's there. And even when it doesn't feel like he's there, he's holding you through it. So that's gonna be the topic for for today.
Amber:So I'm just gonna give a little backstory, and then we'll we're gonna dive into some scripture. So I went to Texas a couple weeks ago. I had a conference that I needed to attend in Dallas, And then so I was there for a week. And then for another week, I went to Lubbock, Texas because that is where my family is. So we flew from Dallas to Lubbock, and we spent a week there just resting and spending time with family, and it was it was great.
Amber:And a couple months ago, Eric and I had had a discussion about whether or not we wanted to have kids. And we've had that discussion a couple of times, and it always ended with, I don't know. It always ended with, kids are expensive. I don't know. We'll see, you know, but, you know, we're not we're only getting older.
Amber:And so this last Father's Day, Eric kind of felt the pains of not being a father. And so he had the discussion with me again, and that's when we decided, okay, well, if we're gonna do it, I think now is the time to do it. And so we did all the things. I went to the doctor, you know, I asked is got all the blood work done. I asked, like, is there anything I need to do before, you know, we start trying?
Amber:And did all the things, dotted all the i's, crossed all the t's and everything, and so we, you know, started trying. And it wasn't, like, super trying. It was just not being careful anymore, if you know what I mean. And, you know, I have a history of polycystic ovarian syndrome, which makes it a little harder to have kids, and so we weren't sure how long it was gonna take, whatever. But while I was in Texas, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was indeed pregnant.
Amber:And it felt like God's timing because it was my grandparents' 55 year anniversary that Friday, and I found out on Thursday that I had a positive pregnancy test. And I was shocked. Eric was shocked. We were both were like, that was really fast. Wasn't expecting it to be that fast.
Amber:And we're like, okay. Well, that's God's timing. We'll we'll announce it tomorrow at the anniversary dinner. So for, like, 24 hours, Eric and I were the only people that knew that, that we were expecting. And so on that day, the Friday came, we went to dinner.
Amber:It was my grandparents and my aunt and uncle and all my cousins. And I announced it to my grandparents that we were promoting them to being great grandparents and that they were overjoyed. Everybody was so excited, and it just seems like perfect timing. And I was like, lord, you're so good. Like, you know, it happened so fast, but if it hadn't happened as fast, I wouldn't have been able to tell my grandparents in person.
Amber:So I thought that was a super big blessing. We come back on Monday night, we have a late dinner with Eric's parents. We tell them they're overjoyed. And then on Tuesday night, I tell my mom and she's super happy. Everybody's super happy.
Amber:Right? Well, that was that week, and then that was last week. We got back on the 19th, September 19th, and that's when we told everybody here in California. And then come Friday, Friday was probably one of the hardest days I have ever experienced in my adult life. I was experiencing some bleeding Thursday night, and, you know, spotting is normal when you're pregnant, and so I wasn't too too concerned.
Amber:I was a little concerned, but I was like, okay. I'll just wait till tomorrow. And then Friday, I had a huge day because starting at 7 AM, I had to be somewhere to help a client record, and then I had to run over to a different client to help them record until about, like, 2:30. And then I had to go back to my other client to pick up the equipment, and then I had GenH, which is a youth group thing. So, like, my Friday was just completely packed.
Amber:And in the back of my head, I had this worry about my pregnancy because I was bleeding. And so Friday morning comes, I go in at 7 AM, I'm doing the thing, and I'm still bleeding at this point. And, of course, I'm, you know, pregnancy hormones, I'm like freaking out and I'm trying to hide it from my client. I'm just kinda like, okay, let me just get this done and then I gotta run over to Carlsbad and I gotta go help this client. And so I help the original client in Escondido.
Amber:I leave, and then as I'm driving to Carlsbad, I call an OB GYN because I'm making an appointment because I'm like, I feel like something's wrong. This is I don't think this is normal. And so I call the OB GYN. I talked to the front office lady, super super nice, and she's reassuring me. She's like, nothing sounds too out of the ordinary.
Amber:I think you're probably fine. But if you're, you know, still bleeding by tomorrow morning, you may wanna go to the ER. I'm like, okay. So then she kinda calms me down a little bit. I go to the next client.
Amber:I'm starting the recordings with them, and it's still I'm still bleeding. And I have to be at this client until 2:45. And I have little breaks between these recordings because they're podcast recordings. So we record for, like, 20, 30 minutes, and then I have another 20 minute break before the next recording. And so I am literally, like, recording the episode.
Amber:I'm trying not to show any emotion. I'm just, like, you know, doing the recording. And then I go to my car and I'm crying my eyes out because deep down, I'm just like, something's wrong. Come back, do another recording, then go back to my car and I'm crying my eyes out again. It was one of the hardest things because I wanna try to be professional.
Amber:I don't want to, you know, be a blubbering mess to my client. And he's a super nice guy. I'm pretty sure if I had told him what was going on, he probably would have, like, canceled the rest of the recordings and let me go. But I just didn't want to make a huge deal if I was blowing it out of proportion. I just didn't know.
Amber:Right? This is this is my first pregnancy. I don't really know what's normal, what isn't. And so after the last recording, I pack up and I decide, you know what? I'm just gonna go to the ER because I'm still bleeding, and it it doesn't seem like spotting anymore.
Amber:So I call my mom, and she comes with me to the ER. And I don't know, this is just a side note, but the ER system here is just awful. Like, it's just it's just terrible. Like, the doctor I saw, he was very, very kind, but I don't know. I feel like I'm in a third world country here.
Amber:Like, I knew everybody's information. Like, they were inter like, talking to people in front of other people. Like, the HIPAA violation was just kinda crazy. And I'm like, where am I? I don't even feel like I'm in San Diego in the US.
Amber:Like, this is this is crazy. But, fortunately, the doctor that saw me pulled me to a corner to give me my privacy to talk. So I let him know what was going on, and he was like, okay. Let's do an ultrasound. Let's do all these things.
Amber:And I was like, okay. And so and he told me, he's like, I'm gonna try to have an answer for you today, but I I don't I can't guarantee an answer because you are so it's so early. I was at this point 4 weeks. And I said, okay. So they get me in, I have the ultrasound, and according to the ultrasound, I am 6 weeks pregnant.
Amber:And I I'm not, like, super convinced that that was true. But, you know, the doctor said, well, it could be skewed, but according to that, you are 6 weeks long and there's no heartbeat. And so he tells me that he thinks that I have a threatened miscarriage and to keep an eye on it. If I bleed heavy heavily to come back, go get another ultrasound in a couple of days, and we'll just see where you're at. So I go home, and over the weekend, I just continue to bleed.
Amber:And it it at this point, it feels like another cycle, like another period. And so I knew at that point that that is what was happening. And when I tell you how devastating that felt and all the questions that followed, it was it was awful. You know, I I prayed and I was like, Lord, you know, it seemed like your timing it seemed like you were gonna bless this this pregnancy. You know, I had prayed beforehand and I asked.
Amber:I was like, Lord, if you want me to be a mom, I'll be a mom. Like, whatever you want me to do, I just wanna be obedient. And he told me and he said, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. This is this is your decision. You have free will.
Amber:And if you want to be a mom, I'm gonna bless you. If you don't wanna be a mom, there's no shame in that. I'm gonna bless you. It doesn't matter what you choose, but it is your choice. And when I finally decided that, yes, I wanted to be a mom, and I prayed about it, the Lord said, you're gonna be an amazing mom because I've seen it.
Amber:And that was so much hope for me. So when I saw the positive pregnancy test, when I when I saw what I thought was the Lord's hands of being able to tell my family in person and and all the joy and all the things, and we were gonna have a leadership dinner that Saturday, the next day, and that's when Eric and I were gonna announce to our church that we were pregnant. And instead of me telling them the joy, I sent a text beforehand as a desperate plea for prayer, telling them, look, I'm pregnant, and I think I'm going through a miscarriage. I don't know, but I just need prayer right now. And, of course, my church is amazing, and they all came behind me, and they started praying for me.
Amber:And I got text messages after text messages of just love and encouragement and support and all the things, and it was amazing. But I still miscarried. I still lost my baby. And, of course, all those questions of why, Lord? Like, your scripture says that you work all things together for good, and I can't fathom how you could do that with the loss of a child.
Amber:How do you make that for good? And I struggled with that, and this is still raw to me. This is this just happened. Like, today is is Tuesday, the Tuesday after the weekend that it happened, and it's still very raw, and it's still very hard, and my emotions are all over the place. I went in yesterday for an ultrasound, and they confirmed that it was it was a miscarriage and and that there's nothing left inside.
Amber:So I'm grateful that it happened so early that I was only around 4 weeks, that it wasn't any more than that. I am grateful that there were no complications. I'm grateful that it's all cleared out. There's no chance of infection. There are so many things to be grateful for in this situation.
Amber:I'm grateful for my church and the love and the support from my friends, from my family, from my husband, from from all these people that I love and I care about so deeply, but it still hurts. When I went in on Monday and she did the ultrasound, she told me right away, like, everything's gone. And even though I knew in my heart that it was done, hearing those words still hurt. And on Sunday, pastor Shane, my pastor at heart church, he he had a message that I thought was for me, and it talked about peace. The peace that surpasses all understanding and how when we're in the storm, the Lord didn't cause the storm.
Amber:The Lord allowed the storm, but he didn't cause it. And the enemy will use the storm. Maybe the enemy caused it, maybe the enemy didn't, but the enemy will take that opportunity to insert lies during the storm to make you believe in chaos instead of the Lord your God. And that's what I really wanna talk about today in terms of this is so raw for me still, and how the Holy Spirit has come and surrounded me and comforted me with peace. Does it still hurt?
Amber:Yes. Do I still cry? Yes. But I don't feel empty. I don't feel desolate.
Amber:I don't feel dry, if that makes sense. I'm not completely depressed, like, this is the end. And I know the only reason why I don't feel that way is because the Holy Spirit is with me, because the Holy Spirit is holding me right now, because he's in this storm with me. He's weeping with me, and he's suffering with me, and he's surrounding me with peace. And even though I go through bouts of anger, like, lord, why did you allow this to happen?
Amber:Why? Why? Why? Why? All the whys.
Amber:He's still there, even though it's not his fault. He's still there, because he knows my heart, and he knows my pain. He also knows my future, And I believe the Bible I believe a 100% of the Bible is a 100% true, a 100% of the time. So even though I don't understand how the Lord is going to use the loss of my child for good, I believe he will. Even though I don't understand why it had to happen this way, I believe that he's gonna turn it around and that my future is gonna hold hope, and it's gonna hold joy because he's already been there.
Amber:He's given me a promise that he's seen me as a mom, so I'm gonna be 1. And the enemy may put in my head, you know, oh, see, you weren't cut out for it. See, you're not healthy enough to have a baby. See, you were too afraid, and now he took it away. You doubted yourself as a mom.
Amber:Did you really wanna be a mom? I don't know if you did. But you know what? All of those lies that he keeps putting into my head, all of those thoughts during this storm can't touch me right now. Because instead of allowing the storm to take me down and sink me, I am using it as fuel to propel me for my purpose, for my calling that the Lord has on my life.
Amber:He wants me to equip the saints? Okay. Maybe I'm going through this so that I can bring more light to miscarriage. I can't tell you how many people have come up to me and told me they've gone through the same thing. And most people, they don't even announce their pregnancy until they're at least 12 weeks, until they're out of that, quote, unquote, danger zone because they don't want it to be public, because miscarriage is so common.
Amber:Why? Why do we hide it? Like, I get it. Now that I've gone through it, I can understand that as a woman who's gone through it, that you don't wanna keep talking about it, that you don't wanna keep explaining, or people keep asking you how are you doing? Like, I get it because that's painful.
Amber:But at the same time, as a body of Jesus, as the body of Christ, we are supposed to cry and celebrate with one another. We are supposed to support one another. We are supposed to pray for one another. So why do we want women to go through this silently, so it's not awkward? So that they don't have to announce joy and then announce sorrow?
Amber:Who does that benefit? That means that that couple has to suffer alone. And that I don't believe that the Lord wants us to do that. I believe he wants us to surround one another when we celebrate good things. He wants us to surround one another when we are going through trials and we're suffering.
Amber:He wants us to be there for one another, to lift each other up in prayer. Prayer is powerful. I believe wholeheartedly in the power of prayer. So if I find out again that I am pregnant again, and I'm only 4 weeks, 3 weeks, I'm still gonna announce it. Because I know that my church is gonna come around me and pray for the health of that baby.
Amber:And if I miscarriage again, they're gonna surround me again with love and support and pray for me for comfort and for healing and for strength, and nothing bad can come from that. So I believe wholeheartedly that we are supposed to share these things. And if that is part of my calling to make this more of a thing, to shine more light on this, then I will do that because women deserve to be heard. Whether they're celebrating or whether they're suffering because we are our body and we're supposed to communicate with one another. And I don't wanna hide that.
Amber:I have gotten so much love and support from this, and it's been incredible to see the church come together and support, to support somebody that's going through this and to share their own stories of them going through the same thing. I can't tell you how seen I feel. I feel very seen. And if I were to go through this without telling my church and still be suffering by myself, wouldn't they wonder? I wonder what's wrong with Amber.
Amber:She was gone for 2 weeks, and she's, like, coming back, and she's a bummer. Like, what's going on? I don't know about you, but I cannot hide my emotions. I always thought that I was really good at, like, hiding something that was bothering me, but I I I'm just I'm not. I I'm not.
Amber:And that, you know, that's just not a skill that I have, and that's okay. You know, the lord created me this way, and, you know, my emotions are on my sleeve. So, you know, I can't lie. I'm never good at it. You know, the Lord doesn't want us to lie anyway, so that's fine.
Amber:But that's the experience that I've gone through over the past few days, and it's been hard. But it has been so much easier knowing that the Holy Spirit is with me every single step, in every single moment, in every single emotion that I have. He is there, and he's experiencing the same emotions, those same moments with me. And I wanna read a couple of scriptures just to kinda end this off. And I'm in the New Testament, 2nd Corinthians chapter 1 verse 3.
Amber:Blessed be the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort by which we ourselves are comforted by God. So all those women that came up to me and and shared their story with me, they can know that their suffering is able to help me with my suffering, that it wasn't all for naught, that they can relate, and they know how to pray for me. They know how I feel, and through their tears, they're able to weep with me. I also wanna read Philippians chapter 4 verse 6, and it's a this is a very famous scripture. I'm sure you probably have heard it.
Amber:Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus. Pastor Shane spent some time on this verse on Sunday, and he said, but in everything by prayer, supplication, with thanksgiving, so being thankful. Even in a time such as this, I'm thankful for my husband. I'm thankful that I know that I can conceive.
Amber:With polycystic ovarian syndrome, it can be very difficult, and this was not difficult for us. So I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful that I have a family. I'm thankful that I have the support system. I'm thankful that I have people who love me.
Amber:That is the number one message that I have gotten from all family and friends is you are so loved. And I know that's from them. They're saying that they love me, but I wanna encourage you that if you're going through the same thing, you are so loved. Not just by your family, not just by your friends, but by the God of the universe and by the
Amber:Holy Spirit. He loves you
Amber:so, so much. You are incredibly loved, and there's always hope. I will see little bee one day. That was the name that Eric and I gave our baby as a temporary name, little bee. And I know I will see little bee again.
Amber:And I can be thankful that little bee doesn't have to live in this world because we live in a fallen world. And that's the reason why this happened. It's not because the Lord caused it, but because the world we live in is just fallen and full of sin. And these things happen, unfortunately. And I also wanna encourage you if you've if you've been through something like this or you're currently going through this, that it's not your fault.
Amber:There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. When I went out on Friday, I was just going for confirmation. There's nothing they could have done to stop it. It was already too late at that point, and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. I mean, doing all the things, doing the blood work, making sure your levels are good, taking the vitamins, not eating the wrong things.
Amber:Yes. All those things help. Not being stressed, but stress in what you consume, that's not that's not what caused it. It's the world we live in, and it's unfortunate. But if one thing has but if one good thing has come from this, it's that I want to be a mom.
Amber:I have never been more sure in my life that I wanna be a mom than in this moment after losing a child. I want to be a mom. And that's the gift that I'm taking away from this, is that confidence and the lack of fear now. I don't have any fear anymore. Like, I know labor is gonna be awful, and I know all the symptoms are awful, but I'm gonna find joy in every single symptom.
Amber:I'm gonna find joy in every single pain, and I'm gonna be thankful for it because I know that's the cost of life, and it's gonna be all so so worth it. So that's what I have for you guys today. I'm sorry it's a little heavy, but I thank you for listening. I thank you for trusting me to tell my story, and I hope that this story blesses any mom out there or an and any dad. You know, fathers are suffering too.
Amber:Eric is struggling through this just as much as I am. And we all grieve in our own way, and I don't wanna forget about the fathers because they had a part in it, and they had joy and expectations and and all these hopes and dreams of this of this new life, and it was taken away. So go hug the father. Don't just worry about the mom. So again, I hope this message just blesses somebody.
Amber:It gives somebody hope if they're going through this, and know that the Holy Spirit is the great comforter. He knows what you need to hear, and he will bring you the peace that will get you through it. His strength is made great in weakness. And when you go through something like this, you definitely feel weak for sure. And you feel like it's not in your control because it's not, and that in itself can make you feel so weak.
Amber:So lean on him, allow him to lead you, allow him to surround you with his love and his peace, and even joy. That may be hard during a time like this, but even in a
Amber:time like this, he can bring you joy. You just have to look for it. So I pray that if you're going through this, that the Lord would just bless you and open your eyes to be able to see Him working and Him comforting you in this time. And next week, we have an episode with a guest with Estella Pineda, and I am so excited for that episode. So you're definitely gonna wanna tune in.
Amber:That episode is about spiritual gifts, and it's it's an amazing episode, so
Amber:you don't wanna miss it. Alright. Thanks, guys, and I hope you have a good week.
