The Power of No
Welcome to the Holy Spirit Untethered. My name's Amber Beals, and it is my job and my mission to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through me, to help demystify who He is, what his role is, and to deeply encourage you to seek a relationship with him. Alright. Let's get started. Hey, guys.
Amber Beels:Welcome back to the Holy Spirit Untethered podcast. My name is Amber Beals. And today, I wanted to focus on something a little different. I know I have done episodes on, like, saying yes to the Holy Spirit and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. And those are good things, and they were great episodes.
Amber Beels:Like, don't get me wrong. Those were great. But today, I want to talk about the power of saying no, how to say no. And I think a lot of the times that is easier for some people and not so easy for others. I'm one of those people that it's it's not so easy for me to say no, and it's because I am a recovering people pleaser.
Amber Beels:I am a first born, and so, like, I've noticed that firstborn children tend to have that people pleasing tendency to serve others and gain the approval of others and just make sure that everybody loves you. And that is that's definitely true for me. Maybe not be true for every firstborn, but definitely true for this one. So that's kinda what we're gonna be talking about today and how the Holy Spirit can help us be obedient to him and not just saying yes, but saying no. So before we dive into that topic, let's go ahead and pray.
Amber Beels:So if you can and it's safe to do so, go ahead and close your eyes and pray with me. Alright. Dear heavenly father, I just thank you for this day. I thank you for this opportunity to come on this podcast, and I just pray a special blessing to every single person that is listening to this podcast. I pray, Lord, that you would just download a message, a seed for everybody that is listening, including myself.
Amber Beels:And I just pray, Holy Spirit, that you would speak through me today. I just pray that this message would come from you, that my words would fall away, and that your words, Holy Spirit, would come through. And Lord, I just pray that we would all receive this message and take it and run with it. And we thank you for that. In Jesus' name.
Amber Beels:Amen. Alright. So saying no. Recently, I received a book from my best friend, Melissa, who's also the editor of this podcast. So shout out to Melissa.
Amber Beels:I know I've been shouting out a lot to you, but you know what? You deserve it. So that's alright. So she sent me a book and it's literally called Boundaries and it's by Doctor. Henry Cloud and Doctor.
Amber Beels:John Townsend. And I'm only through chapters 1 and 2 and it's already rocked my world, which is really funny because it's kind of a longer book. And just the first two chapters, I was reading it and I was like, dang it. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in this area of putting up boundaries and saying no. Like I said in the beginning, I am a recovering people pleaser.
Amber Beels:So I I have a hard time saying no to people. I generally always say yes. Yes. I can totally do that. Yeah.
Amber Beels:I'll make time for that. And I'm one of those people that has a lot going on. So, like, I'll have my plate and 5 other plates, and they're all real full. And when somebody asked me to do something, I'm like, sure. I could have another little small salad plate.
Amber Beels:Why not? And it just you know, eventually, all those plates are gonna fall down because there's only so much that we have a capability for. Right? There's only so much time in the day and there's only so much energy that we have. And if we keep taking on things that may seemingly be good things, we're not gonna be able to give our full attention or our full energy to that thing.
Amber Beels:And so we may be doing that person an injustice by taking it on because we're not giving it our full attention. We're not giving it our full best effort. Right? And so this book is talking about, like, when to say yes, how to say no, and taking control of your life, basically. And, again, I've grown a lot in this area.
Amber Beels:I recognized that I have a problem saying no, and I recognized that pretty early on. And you know what? That's the first step that you have to recognize that that this is an issue. Right? And so I wanna challenge people who are listening to this podcast.
Amber Beels:Are you one of those people that have a hard time saying no to people, like, in your church or in your community or in your job, wherever it may be, like, if somebody asks you to do something, do you just automatically say yes before you even take time to think about what it is they just asked you to do? Because I used to be that way. I'd be like, yeah. Sure. I got you.
Amber Beels:You know? I wanted to be the person that everybody went to, and it's just not sustainable, and it's not what the Lord wants us to do. He doesn't want us to expend all of our energy on doing all the things. The Holy Spirit cares about you. He cares about your heart, and he cares that you are developing a relationship with him in a way that is glorifying Jesus and the father.
Amber Beels:And that is an obedience to what they have for you, for you specifically and not for the person that you're taking over their responsibilities for. You know what I mean? So if somebody is asking you to do something, say it's somebody else in the church and they they have a deadline or they just really need somebody to volunteer this day and you already have a lot on your plate, you shouldn't automatically say yes. You should have the discernment from the holy spirit to be able to be like, okay, Can I take this on? Is it healthy for me to take this on?
Amber Beels:And holy spirit, should I say yes? I think a lot of the times, we just go on autopilot. So if you are a people pleaser like I used to be, sometimes it would just be an automatic yes. We would go I would go on autopilot and be like, yes, I'm the person. Yes, I'm the person.
Amber Beels:I'm the person that everybody goes to. People depend on me. I am dependable, which it's not bad to be dependable. But if you have a calling on your life, which you do, everybody has a calling that the Lord has put on your life, you need to make sure that you prioritize that calling and that purpose over the praise of man. And there's a scripture about that.
Amber Beels:It says in Proverbs 2925, it says, the fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. The fear of man. So it's not saying that you're afraid of somebody. And you know what? Maybe that is that situation that you're in.
Amber Beels:Maybe you're afraid of your boss and you're afraid of saying no, so you say yes. But a lot of the times, it's fear of being disliked or fear of disappointing someone. And that fear should not be greater than your fear of the Lord. Your fear of the Lord should be much greater. And that fear is not like, oh, I'm afraid of the Lord.
Amber Beels:It's, I respect the Lord and I put him in his place that he deserves to be in. That is what fear of the Lord really means. And I think it's healthy to have some kind of fear, like, of the Lord. He is the God of the universe. He holds the whole world in his hand and he can take you out in like a point 2 seconds.
Amber Beels:Like, he can take you out whenever he wants to because of who he is and the power that he has, but you shouldn't be afraid of that because he loves you. He's faithful. He's always the same, and he created you for a reason. And he sent his son to die for you because he wants to spend eternity with you. So there's nothing that you could do to change his mind because he's outside of time.
Amber Beels:He's already seen everything that you've done, all the bad things, all the good things, and he still loves you. He still chooses you, and he still wants to spend eternity with you. Which can we just take a second and be like, thank you, Lord. Praise the Lord that you know everything I've done and you know everything that I'm gonna do and I'm I'm sure I'm gonna fail again. I'm sure I'm gonna make mistakes again.
Amber Beels:And yet, you still love me, yet you still choose to spend eternity with me, yet, Holy Spirit, you still stay with me because you made a covenant with me and you don't break your covenants. Your God. Like, you have standards. You have boundaries. The Lord has boundaries.
Amber Beels:Have you ever really thought about that, that the Lord has boundaries? In this book, it kinda brought that up. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. The Lord does have boundaries. His boundaries are his standards.
Amber Beels:Like he does not accept anything unholy. He does not accept sin. He hates sin. And if we do anything that is sinful, then there are consequences. And that's the reason why Jesus had to come and die because he took on the wrath of our consequences.
Amber Beels:He took on that burden and that pain and he suffered for us because of what we did, not because of what he did. And so if the Lord has boundaries and standards that He's put in place that we are to respect and we're made in His image, then we need to have boundaries and standards for ourselves, for others to observe and to respect as well, and there should be consequences. And one thing that I've noticed in this book already is talking about your emotions and how your emotions are your responsibility, which is an interesting concept, but it's so true. Like, it's my responsibility that I feel hurt in this situation, and it's my responsibility to address it with the other person. So if somebody is has hurt me and they keep doing so, if I don't bring it to their attention, how am I expecting them to change if I don't say something about it?
Amber Beels:Right? And so it's just this whole dynamic of setting these boundaries and learning how to do that and learning that this is my problem, not theirs. And how am I going to address it in a way that's graceful? And it tells them that, hey, you've crossed a boundary, and there's this line here that I need you to respect it. And if you don't, there's gonna be consequences.
Amber Beels:And that means that I'm gonna separate myself from you until you get your stuff together and you we can repair the relationship. And that for me, it may be given for some people. Like, for my husband, he has no problem saying no. None whatsoever. He also is an only child, so I don't know if that has something to do with it.
Amber Beels:But he has no problem saying no. He has no problem setting boundaries, and he has no problem telling people like, you know what? I can't handle that right now. It comes across sometimes as as harsh. But now that I've, like, been together with him for as long as I have, like, it's something that I admire in him that I wish I could do a little bit more of.
Amber Beels:I mean, I'm gonna do it in my own way because, again, recovering people pleaser, I like to sugarcoat things and just make sure everybody's happy, but I still wanna put those boundaries. I'm just gonna do it in my way that's a little more gentle and a little bit more kind, but I still need to be firm in what I've said and make sure that I don't go back on it. And I think that's really important because there's been several instances, and I think I've told this story before. But last year, I was a life group leader. So in our church, we have these groups.
Amber Beels:They're called life groups, and they're just small little communities within the church. And we'll go through a book together. We meet once a week. We do a potluck. We talk about the book.
Amber Beels:We fellowship with one another. It's really a great thing. Like, I love life groups. I have been a part of a life group since I started going to my church and I would never miss them. Like, it's such a great way to dive deeper in with some people.
Amber Beels:Because, like, when you have a big church, it can be hard to have a really genuine connection with all the people. But if you're a part of a life group, you can have a nice genuine connection with, like, 10 to 15 people. And if you need prayer for something, there's normally a group chat and you could text them and say like, hey, I need prayer. Can you pray for me? And then your phone's gonna blow up with, like, those 15 people saying, I'm praying for you.
Amber Beels:I got you. Like, you know, take thing. And it's the really great community thing. It's where the body of Christ can really be the body of Christ, right, where we connect with one another. Iron sharpens iron.
Amber Beels:We support one another. We weep with one another. We celebrate with one another. All the things, and it's great. But I was put in the position to be a group leader, a life group leader, which is fine.
Amber Beels:Like, I'm I'm naturally kind of a leader, so it was I was okay with it. I mean, now that I think about it, like, in hindsight and when I look back, I was actually never asked to be life group leader. I was just assigned to be a life group leader, which now that I know about boundaries and I'm trying to put these things in place and set up these hedges of protection of, like, you know, protecting my time with the lord, protecting my energy, and realizing who I serve. At the I think now I would be like, hey. I don't think this is a good idea or, like, let me pray about this instead of just automatically being like, oh, okay.
Amber Beels:I guess I'm a life group leader. And I don't think it was done out of, like, any sort of resentment or, like, malintent. It was just because I am a council member. I am part of leadership. It was just kinda like a natural progression for me to be a life group leader.
Amber Beels:So I'm not mad at it. But now that I'm looking back, I would do things differently now. I mean, that's just growth. Right? Looking back and being like, okay.
Amber Beels:I would do things differently now. So I was a life group leader, I think, for 2 years or something like that. And I love being a part of life group. Like I said, being a leader though, at least in that position, I not that I didn't love being a leader, it was just not as joyful of a position for me as some of the other leadership roles that I have. For example, the introduction to the Holy Spirit class that John Bavier has, I lead that about 3 times a year.
Amber Beels:So, I don't want to compete with LifeGroup. I would do it in January, which is kind of like our winter break. And then I do it 2 times in summer and leading that class brings me so much joy. Like, I get energized whenever I have that class. And maybe I only have, like, 6 people in my class, but even if just one person showed up, it would be worth it to me.
Amber Beels:Like, I love it that much because being able to witness somebody's eyes being open to who the holy spirit is and, like, it clicking for them, that to me is me fulfilling my purpose. That to me is equipping the saints, which is what the Holy Spirit put on my heart to do. That is what brings me joy, not necessarily leading a life group. And there's nothing wrong with leading a life group. I just don't think that's what the Holy Spirit wants me to do.
Amber Beels:And that was evident because last year, the Holy Spirit kept putting it on my heart of, you need to not do this anymore. You need to step down from life group leader. You need to step down. You need rest. And then I had 5 different people in the community, in my church, just randomly come up to me and be like, I think the Lord wants you to rest.
Amber Beels:And in my head, I knew not just rest, it meant stepping down from life group leader. And that was so hard for me to do. And it was took the 5th time of somebody coming up to me and telling me that I went to the life group director and I was like, hey. I need to step down from being a life group leader. Like, do you have enough time to find somebody?
Amber Beels:Because this was, like, in the beginning of summer, so you'd have a couple of months to find a new leader. And what surprised me, which shouldn't really just surprise me, but he was like, Oh, I already knew you were gonna step down. He's like, The Lord's been talking to you, And I'm like, Yeah. More like yelling at me. And he's like, Yeah.
Amber Beels:No, I knew it was time for you to step down. And I already told the pastor and everything. And that to me was just evidence of, I need to listen and be obedient to the Lord even when he tells me to do something that's hard. And when like, I know that in my head, but to me, that meant just taking on more things. Like, if the Lord tells me to take on a thing, yeah, there.
Amber Beels:I'm there. Even though I know it's gonna be hard, I'm gonna do it. But what I didn't realize is it also means saying no. It means saying no to my pastor sometimes. It means I need to protect my my rest, my energy, and my resources so that I can fully give in the areas that the holy spirit wants me to give and not waste my not waste my time, but expend my energy in another area that I'm not gonna get as much fulfillment in.
Amber Beels:And that blew my mind and which is silly. Like, now that I think about it, I'm like, yeah, that makes that makes a lot of sense. But sometimes, it's the little things that we are blinded to. And then when we realize it and realize how silly it was, you're like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And the holy spirit, he he spoke to me because it it really was hard on me to say no.
Amber Beels:Even after I had told my, like, group director, even after my senior pastor knew, like, I still was struggling with it. Like, I felt bad. My emotions were like, I feel terrible about this. I feel like I've let my pastor down. I feel like I've done you know, all these things, which were all lies.
Amber Beels:Like, Shane was fine. I don't think he was hurt by it at all. But to me, I was like in this turmoil of like, what have I done? Why did I say no? Like, Lord, why why am I in this position right now?
Amber Beels:And the holy spirit was like, Amber, who do you serve? I was like, I I serve you. He's like, yeah, that's right. You serve the lord. You don't serve Shane.
Amber Beels:And I was like, okay. Yeah. You're right. I serve the lord. My fear of the lord needs to be greater than my fear of my pastor, than the fear of me disappointing my pastor.
Amber Beels:I need to hold his his regard for what I do and my energy higher than what any person on earth holds for me. And that was a valuable lesson for me to learn, to say no. It's okay to say no. And if somebody else is hurt by your no, that's their problem. That's them and they need to deal with that.
Amber Beels:You need to set boundaries so that you can say yes to the things that the Holy Spirit wants you to say yes to, so you're not distracted. The enemy will use good things to distract you. It's not always bad things that the the enemy will use. It's good things too, like being a life group leader or volunteering at this thing on Saturday or whatever it is. Like, they seem like good things, but you really need to be in step with the Holy Spirit so closely that if it's not in alignment with what his plan is for you, you need to politely decline and be in alignment with the Holy Spirit by saying no to that and yes to him.
Amber Beels:And that's what it truly means to be obedient to the Holy Spirit. It's saying no to the things that are not serving you and your purpose and your calling, and saying yes to the things that the Holy Spirit wants you to do, even if those things are hard, and even if it's saying no to other things. That's what it means. And that is something I really wanna encourage you guys that it's okay to say no. And in, like, that same in that same thread, it's okay to put boundaries between you and people that don't serve you.
Amber Beels:And when I say people that don't serve you, I mean, people that are toxic or that bring you turmoil, people that bring their troubles or they burden you with things. It's okay to say no to those people too. And for me as someone who is a rescuer, quote unquote, or people pleaser, quote unquote, that's really hard. Like if somebody is coming to me for advice, somebody is going through something and they just want to talk to me, like, that's fine. But I need to make sure and I wanna encourage all of you who are listening to make sure that if you do that, you need to guard your heart.
Amber Beels:You need to make sure that you don't become emotionally invested in whatever it is that their problem is. Because for me, I tend to do that. I tend to fix it. And I guess that's kind of, that's kinda different for women. I know women like to just listen.
Amber Beels:Men tend to want to fix, but I am definitely more of a fixer. I will while you're talking to me, I'm already problem solving and figuring out, okay, This is what we need to do. I'm gonna go on here. I'm gonna find you a new job. I'm gonna do this.
Amber Beels:I'm gonna do that. Like, I'm already engaging in whatever it is that you're expressing is is hurting you or grieving you or bothering you, whatever it is. And sometimes you just need to listen. And sometimes you need to create space where they need to go to somebody else instead of going to you because it can be emotionally draining for you to keep listening. And if you listen and give advice and then they don't follow it, then, okay, maybe instead of listening to them again, you create that space.
Amber Beels:Like, did you do the thing I told you to do before? Okay. Well, maybe you should try that. And, you know, as I'm saying that, that just reminds me of the holy spirit. If the holy spirit told you to do something and you keep going him to the same thing, did you do the thing he told you to do in the first place?
Amber Beels:Because a lot of the times, the holy spirit won't say anything or he'll be quiet because you still haven't done the thing he told you to do weeks ago. And so he has nothing new to say to you because you still need to go do the first thing. And that's so true. That's happened to me so many times where I'm like, lord, this is you in my life. And he's like, crickets.
Amber Beels:I'm like, Lord, why am I not hearing from you? And I'm like, oh, yeah. It's because he told me to do this thing, like, a month ago and I still haven't done it. And that's the answer, but I don't wanna do the thing because it's hard. And a lot of the times the advice that you get either from a mentor or somebody in your life or the holy spirit, it's gonna be hard.
Amber Beels:It's it's hard tough love a lot of the times. And sometimes that means saying yes and sometimes that means saying no. And it's a journey. Right? And you're gonna fail.
Amber Beels:But as long as you are stepping in the right direction, as long as you are always pursuing the Lord and making sure that your intentions and your desires are in alignment with the Lord, then you know you're in a good spot. And I think that's another thing to is to really evaluate where you are. If you put up these boundaries in all these areas of your life, you need to understand who you are before you put up those boundaries. Like, you need to understand your desires and your heart posture, and you need to evaluate those things. Especially if you're asking the Lord for help in certain areas of your life, you really need to understand, okay, why am I asking the Lord for this thing?
Amber Beels:Is it because I want it, or is it because I truly desire God's will in my life in this area and I believe that this isn't an alignment with his will? That's a lot of stuff to think about, but it is so important and I believe that the Holy Spirit will help you. Again, like I mentioned, it's the discernment of the Holy Spirit and you're only gonna get the discernment of the Holy Spirit, if you truly desire that relationship with Him and you dive and seek His face, when you read His word, when you spend alone time. And it has to be a two way conversation. Right?
Amber Beels:I feel like sometimes we dominate the conversation, and we just ask the Lord for this, this, this, and this. Thank you for this, this, this, and this. Okay. Amen. And then we go off into our day.
Amber Beels:But it's so important to be silent, to be quiet, and allow the Lord to speak to you, to create that space where he can speak to you, where you expect him to show up and talk to you. Like this week, I am on a digital fast, and that means no social media, no Netflix, no watching movies, no shows. Only thing I'm allowed to listen to are either Christian based podcasts or news based podcasts. And the only thing I'm allowed to watch are courses from Messenger x, and that's it. And Eric and I are doing it together.
Amber Beels:We are seeking the Lord for a decision, in our business, and we are, you know, really seeking his face. And a lot of the times, if you're not hearing from the Lord or you're you need to be really intentional and be like, Lord, I need an answer in this area of my life. Fasting is a really great way to do that. Fasting is showing the Lord that you're giving up something and you're seeking him instead of the thing because you need an answer, and it's important enough for you to do that. And doing a digital digital fast is interesting because it takes away the distractions.
Amber Beels:It takes away the constant noise. And at night, I have a sleep mask because I I like it to be pitch black. So I wear the sleep mask and this particular one has Bluetooth on it. So I listen to YouTube videos. I listen to this one YouTuber.
Amber Beels:It's called RCE or Real Civil Engineer. It's this guy that does let's play videos. He just plays these silly little games. And I just like his voice. He's like this British guy and he's got this really like soft voice, and it's just nice to listen to.
Amber Beels:And he never like plays scary games, so he never like screams or yells or or anything like that. It's very, like, kinda monotone a little bit, but it is just a nice voice to fall asleep to. And so I do that every night. I'll just play a playlist. He probably gets so much money off YouTube from me because I just play his videos at night.
Amber Beels:But I that's how I fall asleep. It kinda it just helps me fall asleep a little easier because sometimes the silence can be really loud. And during this fast, I was like, well, does playing these videos that might break my fast I mean, I'm not watching it. I'm just it's just helping me fall asleep. And so I started playing it, and then I hear the Lord and he goes, how are you gonna hear my voice with all that noise?
Amber Beels:And I was like, okay. I turned off YouTube. And now I'm just using the sleep mask as a sleep mask and not as a Bluetooth hearing device. I'm not listening to any YouTube or anything like that. And I have to say that taking away those distractions has made me more open to hearing the Lord.
Amber Beels:He has spoken a lot to me this week on different areas of my life, things that I've asked about, and even things I haven't asked about that he just I needed to know. And that was me saying no and denying myself, social media, and the distractions, and the noise, and saying yes to him. His voice, seeking him out intentionally and praying and being intentional in my prayers and praying with Eric. If, if you have a spouse, I would highly, highly, highly recommend you guys do a fast together and seek the Lord together and pray together. When you pray together, you become connected spiritually.
Amber Beels:And that is one of the highest forms of connection you could have with your spouse is connecting with them spiritually. And so I I really highly recommend that you you try that out. It'd be kind of hard sometimes to find time to seek the Lord by yourself and then seek the Lord with your spouse, but or your significant other, but it's so worth it. Totally worth it. And so I highly recommend that.
Amber Beels:But yeah, I hope that this message or in this episode blessed you. I hope that you can learn to have your yes be yes and your no be no. And what to say no to and when is that when that is appropriate and protect yourself and set up boundaries and that those things are healthy and they're biblical and the Lord wants you to do that. And so, again, I hope that this was helpful. I wanna challenge you guys to be intentional with your yeses and being intentional with your no's And really listening to the Holy Spirit, maybe take out some of those distractions and allowing him and his discernment to help you navigate how to say yes and when to say yes and how to say no and when to say no.
Amber Beels:Alright, guys. I will see you next week.
